RRN Online Volume 25

November 29 '96

Volume 25

Commodes & Christmas Cards

Commodes and Christmas cards go together like a horse and... are not exactly lyrics for a Broadway musical. Other than the fact the words begin with the third letter of the alphabet, there is little to associate commodes and Christmas cards; little unless you have both items on your to-do list. These two projects were top priority items on my work-at-home-vacation list.

Years of experience have taught me that selecting, addressing, signing, and mailing Christmas cards consumes a great deal of time, and it is better to deal with the event early rather than wait until mid-December when a time crunch exists. Commodes are things that one does not routinely purchase or repair on a frequent basis, and therefore are more difficult projects to formulate an estimate of time required to complete.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving, I decided it was time to repair the slow leak that had, for a couple of months, allowed water to escape the tank and puddle itself on the white tile floor of my bathroom. Because the water seemed to be seeping from the area where the tank bolts secure the tank to the bowl, I had previously purchased a new set of tank bolts, and just to be on the safe side, I had also purchased a rubber gasket that seals the connection between the tank and the bowl.

With wrenches and repair kits I began to dismantle the water tank from the bowl. As expected, a couple of nuts were not willing to be removed without a struggle. I have decided that engineers and designers of automobile engines are moonlighting in the plumbing industry. Otherwise, why would anyone intentionally locate the replaceable parts of a commode in such inaccessible areas. It is tough enough to replace an average commode seat, but other parts require even more complex body posture and wrenches to suit the occasion. There may actually exist, a toilet bowl in someone’s bathroom in this country that is freely accessible for purposes of repair, though I doubt it. Most sit unobtrusively beside a tub, shower or vanity, quietly performing the function for which they were intended. They are, invariably, sandwiched between one or more immovable objects that prevent satisfactory deployment of the hands and arms needed to tend the needs of certain bodily functions.

Have you ever considered what it would be like, living the life of a toilet bowl? And, you thought you had a going nowhere, dead-end job. Just who, among the fixtures in a house, has a less appreciated, thankless role? Who else gets "mooned" on a daily basis and never complains?

It is said of sled dogs that the scenery only changes for the lead dog, but imagine the boredom for the toilet bowl. Is it not true, "if you’ve seen one rear-end, then you’ve seen ‘em all." Sure, the occasional stomach virus provides a fresh face to help break the monotony, but even then the joy is short-lived as the face turns green and sprays a venomous matter into the bowl. Cynically, the toilet bowl may think, "people are all the same, and it matters little which end they present, the result is still repulsive."

The next time you visit the toilet in your house, you might consider giving it a good sanitizing on a daily basis rather than waiting for the build-up of mildew and crud to goad you to perform the task. To show special appreciation for the bowl, set an open deodorizing container nearby. Scented candles, potpourri or seasonal flowers will further endear you to your friend, and one of the all-time great inventions, the indoor toilet.

Meanwhile, back to the toilet project, the next few hours were spent removing and replacing various parts, refitting the tank onto the bowl, checking for leaks, finding leaks, removing and replacing various parts... until after a four hour fight with the leaky tank, I retreated from battle to rethink the entire situation. It was a grim situation, indeed. Every single gasket, washer, bolt, and nut had been replaced and the leak was now worse than before. A second trip for supplies and subsequent installation of the new parts had resulted in practically a wholesale replacement of interior tank parts. Frustrated, but holding a greater amount of respect for individuals who choose to become professional plumbers, I began work on the second item on my to-do list.

Having already purchased the Christmas cards for the ‘96 season, I began the pains-taking task of signing and addressing them. This year the task was made easier by a computer software program that duplicates my handwriting. It worked fine for addressing the envelopes. The cards, themselves, were a greater challenge, consisting of thicker stock than the envelopes, some would not feed through my laser printer. I decided that I would complete those the printer could handle and finish the rest by hand. Sometimes the attitude of Scarlett O’Hara is appropriate, "I can’t think about that now, I will think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day."

Monday night before retiring for the evening, a mental plan developed to detect the exact source of the leak in the commode tank. Why not remove the tank, plug the inlet water supply opening, fill the tank with water, and set it in the carport and observe the drip? This made more sense than trying to wedge my head between a commode bowl and cabinet, while lying on my back with my knees drawn near my stomach or in some other contorted position, as I attempt to adjust my bifocals and view the leak. It is one thing to wrap oneself around a porcelain bowl amidst spasmodic abdominal heaves in the attempt to remove all contents of the stomach but the lining. It even has a purpose and is a somewhat natural embrace, whereas there is nothing remotely romantic about banging ones head beneath the underside of the same toilet.

Tuesday morning I put the plan into motion. In a matter of a few minutes the drips formed and still appeared to be coming from the rubber gasketed tank bolt holes and also from the central shaft leading to the toilet bowl. After emptying the water, I resumed tinkering and tightening nuts, bolts, and washers in a futile effort to stop the leak. A couple of hours later, I discovered a hairline crack, that I had not previously noticed, extending approximately 1 inch from one of the tank bolt holes. It now appeared the tank would have to be replaced. I have thus far failed to mention that the tank is either plastic or fiberglass, depending, I am sure, on whichever was the cheaper when the contractor installed the commode in 1973.

The owner of the plumbing supply store assured me it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find a replacement tank, since mine had 4 tank bolts, and those built today have only 2 bolts. It was not hard to decide to purchase a new commode. I also had the good fortune of encountering a plumber at the store who could immediately install the commode. The good news is that in a little more than an hour a new porcelain commode was installed and ready for use. The bad news is I now have a utility room filled with spare parts for a toilet tank. The project that had consumed approximately 7 hours of my vacation was now complete. I told the plumber it was too bad this did not happen nearer Christmas or I could have counted it as a Christmas present to myself.

The Christmas card project was also completed on Tuesday. Of the 4 boxes of cards (no two boxes alike), only 2 were of a design that could be passed through my laser printer. I do not use my calligraphy pens much anymore, but the fountain pen nibs still had enough ink in them to allow me to sign the remaining cards. I doubt the nibs will suffice another season without a fresh re-inking. If you are among the recipients who receive a real hand signed card, be not overly proud, for each card was selected for each person based upon unrevealed criteria, not upon whether it was destined to be hand signed.

Thanksgiving Day

It was a fine day in Pontotoc and enjoyed by many as a time for family gatherings and feedings. Ours was no exception. As I mentioned in the last newsletter, our family was to gather at the home of my sister to celebrate the day.

In addition to the traditional items that included, turkey, cornbread dressing, candied yams and casseroles we enjoyed smoked pork tenderloin, compliments of Jason. Barbara prepared the dressing and an equally big hit that our family calls, Elese Sansing rolls. Deserts were almost as prevalent as traditional items and included, sweet potato pie, fresh apple pie, coconut meringue pie, Karo pecan pie, and pumpkin bread.

The enjoyment of the food was second only to the enjoyment of each other’s company for the day.

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