May 01 '04
Volume 413


Hearing Troubles Left Ear Malfunctions

Like most people, I have two ears. However, I tend to refer to my left ear as "my good ear," because I hear better with it, or at least I think I do. When talking on a conventional telephone I place the receiver against my left ear, more for hearing than for freeing up my right hand for writing.

When I am using the hands-free earpiece of my cell phone, in order to talk while driving with both hands on the wheel, I often place the earpiece in my right ear. Because I keep the cell phone somewhere on my right, it makes sense to use my right ear, so I don't have to drape the cord across my chest or switch the earpiece from one hand to the other while driving. Though in situations where road noise or rain makes it difficult to hear, I've been known to switch the earpiece over to my left ear.

Looking into my left ear with an otoscope, Dr. Montgomery stated, "You don't have an earwax buildup, but you do have some infection."

"An infection!" I thought to myself. "I haven't had an ear infection since I was five years old and living in Iuka, MS."

Yes, Mama believed I might lose my hearing, so she made Daddy take me to a doctor in Corinth. I remember riding in an automobile without a heater and it being wintertime. I don't remember getting a shot of penicillin, but I probably had one. I do remember Mama following the Doctor's orders and boiling out my ears with hydrogen peroxide a couple of times every day for the next several days. It didn't hurt but the fizzing sounds produced were frightening to me at the time.

Hearing Dr. Montgomery's diagnosis was disappointing. Somehow, I was hoping for earwax to be the problem with my hearing. I knew earwax could be rinsed out using whatever sort of high-pressure irrigation device doctors use for such things, but an infection could not be eliminated so readily. I became familiar with the rinse procedure roughly thirty years ago, when I went to Dr. Howard and asked why I was having difficulty hearing. He soon rinsed from my ear a butter bean sized clump of wax (or "cerumen" as it is called in the medical profession), and my hearing returned to normal. I probably had Dr. Howard remove wax from my ears a few more times until I learned I could do almost as well using a children's nasal aspirator.

I can't recommend that persons use a syringe or aspirator to remove earwax, and I probably should avoid doing so myself, as the possibility of producing an infection does exist. But, like using a Q-tip, cotton swab, or hairpin are not physician approved methods of removing earwax, I've been known to employ such devices, and once worried my dad might actually puncture his eardrum as he plunged a hairpin deeper into his ear than I would have thought possible.

On Easter Sunday morning, I noticed my throat seemed to be irritated. By late afternoon, I had developed a cough and a fever. I had a full prescription of Zithromax that I had failed to take earlier this year, so I began to doctor myself. The next day my throat was better, and I finished the prescription in the allotted five days. The following Sunday, I was much better and was about to congratulate myself on my recovery, when my left ear stopped up that night.

Thinking my ear trouble was related to sinuses, or earwax buildup, I reasoned I would be better in a couple of days and if not I could get out my earwax removing tools. When I was unsuccessful in removing anything more than a smidgen of earwax using a Q-tip, I tried the syringe method and had about the same success I had with the Q-tip.

I arranged to see Dr. Montgomery on Friday afternoon. I had contacted him Thursday and learned that 2:00 p.m. would be a good time for him to check my ear. Unfortunately, he was running behind when I arrived at 1:40 p.m., and the receptionist explained he still had three patients with morning appointments ahead of me, plus he had not been to lunch. My choices were to wait or come back later, but when the receptionist could not or would not estimate the wait or suggest when I should come back, I decided to wait. Approximately two and one-half hours later, Dr. Montgomery had an otoscope in my ear.

"I need to give you an antibiotic, and see if we can get the infection cleared up," he stated.

"Oh no," I responded. "It seems I've been on antibiotics ever since my prostate surgery."

We discussed which antibiotics didn't hurt my stomach and which ones did, arriving at another prescription of Zithromax but this time with a larger unit dosage.

I'll be finished with the latest round of antibiotics at the time folks read this article, but I can't say my ear will be better by the weekend. If it isn't Dr. Montgomery will be sending me to a specialist, I'm sure.

For all the trouble I've had hearing lately, it's noteworthy that my hearing problem called for a lighter moment at our dinner table about a week ago when Rayanne and her two youngest girls were over. I've discovered, now that my ear is stopped up, that I have trouble hearing what's being said on TV, if others in the room are talking or in the case of my granddaughters, making a racket. It's as though I can't filter out the unwanted sounds.

I've never liked to eat a meal with a TV blasting in the background, and I usually make sure it's muted or turned off before sitting down to a meal.

However, I failed to do so that night and didn't really notice the TV was on until Jason spoke up, "Did you hear that about Eli?"

He was referring to Eli Manning, Ole Miss's recent quarterback, and the likelihood of him being picked number one by San Diego in the NFL draft.

"No," I responded, impatiently and pointing to my ear. "I can't hear thunder."

Rayanne, something of a weather-worrier, misunderstood what we were talking about and asked, "Eli? Is that a new hurricane?"

When the laughter subsided, Jason and I consoled Rayanne in her blonde moment, comparing hers to that of Felicia's a few weeks earlier.

Sarah, Barbara, and I were watching an episode on the History Channel dealing with the invasion of Normandy.

Felicia had just come into the living room, having driven over from Oxford, and upon seeing the words "Omaha Beach" on the screen, asked, "Is that in Nebraska?"

I don't know which is sadder, the lack of knowledge of things taught in Geography or History. All I really know is that without two good ears it's hard to hear anything said regarding either Geography or History.


Soldier's Letter Kerry's Heroism Questioned

I hesitate to reprint the following email, because I've not taken the time to authenticate it, but based on what I have read elsewhere regarding Senator John Kerry's Silver Star and purple heart medals, it's fairly accurate.

A Texas Soldier's Letter to Kerry

Since it has become clear that you will probably be the Democratic nominee for President, I have spent a great deal of time researching your war record and your record as a professional politician. The reason is simple, you aspire to be the Commander in Chief who would lead my sons and their fellow soldiers in time of war. I simply wanted to know if you possess the necessary qualifications to be trusted in that respect.

You see, I belong to a family of proud U.S. veterans. I was a Captain in the Army Reserve, my father was a decorated Lieutenant in World War II; and I have four sons who have either served, or are currently serving in the military. The oldest is an Army Lieutenant still on active duty in Afghanistan after already being honored for his service in Iraq. The youngest is an E-4 with the military police. His National Guard unit just finished their second tour of active duty, including six months in Guantanamo Bay. My two other sons have served in the National Guard and the Navy.

In looking at your record I found myself comparing it not only to that of my father and my sons, but to the people they served with. My father served with the 87th Chemical Mortar Battalion in Europe. They landed on Utah Beach and fought for 317 straight days including the Cherbourg Peninsula, Aachen, the Hurtgen Forest, and the Battle of the Bulge.

You earned a Silver Star in Vietnam for chasing down and finishing off a wounded and retreating enemy soldier. My father won a Bronze Star for single handedly charging and knocking out a German machine gun nest that had his men pinned down.

You received three purple hearts for what appears to be three minor scratches. In fact you only missed a combined total of two days of duty for these wounds. The men of my father's unit, the 87th, had to be admonished by their commanding officer because: "It has been brought to our attention that some men are covering up wounds and refusing medical attention for fear of being evacuated and permanently separated from this organization..." It was also a common problem for seriously wounded soldiers to go AWOL from hospitals in order to rejoin their units. You used your three purple hearts to leave Vietnam early.

My oldest boy came home from Iraq with numerous commendations and then proceeded to volunteer to go to Afghanistan and from there back to Iraq again. My sons and father have never had anything but the highest regard and respect for their fellow soldiers. Yet, you came home to publicly charge your fellow fighting men with being war criminals and to urge their defeat by the enemy. You even wrote a book that had a cover, which mocked the heroism of the U.S. Marines who raised the flag on Iwo Jima.

Our current crop of soldiers has a philosophy that no one gets left behind; and they have practiced that from Somalia to the battlefields of the Middle East. Yet as chairman of a Senate committee looking into allegations that many of your fellow servicemen had been left behind as prisoners in Vietnam, you chose to defend the brutal Vietnamese regime. You even went so far as to refer to the families of the POWs and MIAs as professional malcontents, conspiracy mongers, con artists, and dime store Rambos.

As a Senator you voted against the 1991 Gulf War, and have repeatedly voted against funds to supply our troops with the best equipment, and against money to improve our intelligence capability. I find this particularly ironic since as a presidential candidate you are highly critical of our pre-war intelligence in Iraq. However, you did vote to authorize the President to go to war, but have since proceeded to do everything you can to undermine the efforts of our government and our troops to win.

Is this what our fighting men and women can expect of you if you are their Commander in Chief? Will you gladly send them to war, only to then aid the enemy by undermining the morale of our troops and cutting off the weapons they need to win?

Our country is at war Senator, and as has been the case in every war since the American Revolution, a member of my family is serving their country during the war. Now you want me to trust you to lead my sons in this fight.

Sorry Senator, but when I compare your record to those who have fought and died for this nation, and are currently fighting and dying, the answer is not just no, but Hell No!

Michael Connelly, February 14, 2004, Dallas, Texas


Bodock Beau Blonde Jokes

If there's one thing better than a blonde joke, it's two blonde jokes. Sisters Dena B. Kimbrell and Lisa B. Rolik, respectively, submitted the following.

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, it's worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it: A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Cheryl.

Cheryl (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Cheryl, it's Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will bePam's..."

Pam: "Cheryl, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it: A) robin, B) sparrow, C) Cuckoo, or D) thrush?

Cheryl: "That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Cheryl: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Jan. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Cheryl's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Cheryl to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Cheryl and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Cheryl: "That's easy. Everybody knows they live in clocks"

---------------------------------------------------------


A police officer was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the

picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and

says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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